it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
