I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize