why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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