if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize