all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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