Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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