Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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