So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
