She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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