to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize