I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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