New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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