I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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