I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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