oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize