Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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