God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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