But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
