my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
