fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
