Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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