I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How does one acquire holy water?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
