I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
