haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize