I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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