I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
