Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
that may or may not have been my penis.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize