were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
