I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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