so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize