it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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