Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
