So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
