IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
