I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
