Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
