Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
