I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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