I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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