every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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