Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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