Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize