...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
