i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
