You really coming over, don't trick.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
