He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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