I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
