i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
