doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
