I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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