walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
