Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
