More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
