On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
