so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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