my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
