the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
