I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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