Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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