Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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