At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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