Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
