I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
